At times i wonder what life means and that philosophical stuff, why is there religion that divides us instead of uniting us together as a species as human beings if there is such a god. Maybe there isn’t a god but this is for you to decide and for me to go on a spiritual journey. This was on my mind for a while but what is really on my mind is you, B. I thank you B because of you i have found a spark to lit my flames and that your gone just means i can burn brighter in the dark. You probably think i didn’t know right? But B, you were such a bitch! I poured my heart out to you. Don’t worries i wont look back and say “man i regretted doing that.” Instead “I’m so fucking glad your out of my life and to see you sad breaks my heart but there isn’t one now, is there.” So thank you for showing me that there is no point putting your heart in effort into a relationship that is only filled with counterfeited hopes and dreams, there are all just lies. So goodbye baby B.
You know when people put on their Facebook status: Tell me what would you do if we were in a room together and no one was there to disturb us what would you do?
The first person who came to my mind was you and the first things that jump into my mind was, confessing to you about how I felt about you and have sex with you. In all honesty this was the first thing I thought but then if I did any of those two would i still be in love with you or would i only be filled with lust. I know already that my body craves, that i crave for another woman’s company. Her warmth her flesh on mine, making sweet sex that only filled this void which seem to have no end. (Or so i thought it may make me somewhat whole)
The more i thought of what i would do when we were alone together i would still want to have sex with you but also share my doubts with you. I want to pour my heart out and if given the chance. I would write about what i find beautiful about you on you. You would be your own canvas.
I want to write on your flesh teasing you as i write on your skin and see if you would giggle or flinch or maybe not feel anything at all. As i write I would want you in the sexist panties and your favorite bra and would study each inch of your skin. Counting every minuscule cut to every stretch mark that you are ashamed to share. Even taking account every cute mole that is on your skin, even though you hate it so much.
I would start out at your toes and slowly move up to your calves, then thighs and then stop at your abdominal Slowly writing and inspecting what you hate and circling them and draw and arrow out, writing nothing but only your perfection, reminding you they are not flaws. Then I start your finger moving inwards towards your chest. From your fingers, to your wrist, forearm, slowly reaching towards your chest. Doing the same thing as i did before, starting with your toes and moving up to your abs. I would go back to your abs and circle your belly button and write a note beside it “This is where your beauty starts, this is where you start. You are nothing else but beautiful” and i would go back to your chest, place my ear over it and hear that heart beat drum to its rhythm I would draw out line the shape of a what is unrealistically shape of a heart, the ones you draw during valentine’s day and write in it “ what i find so beautiful about you” Then taking up a bright red and color the skin that has not been filled in.
Such fantasies will only remain fantasies. Even though this stupid dream of mine i want it to one day be real. Real enough to make my heart fill whole.
I hate being a ‘nice guy’, being led on and hurt,maybe it’s my fault. I think the problem with me is that I want you to be happy doesn’t matter if its me or someone else as long as I can see that smile on your face I’m willing to go through the pain. Just to see that smile makes my day shine brighter.
Note: This is a message to my Malay community. If I offend anyone it is unintentional.
Let start by saying i hate my real name. I prefer to go by my handled name, Syke Maxwell.
So let me ask you “What do you see, when you see me?”
What do you see. Let me tell you what a lot of people see. A Malay guy who isn’t actually Malay.Confusing right? The most common phrase i hear from most of the community is “Ouh. You’re not a ‘real Malay” or ” Your parents didn’t bring you up right!” The biggest phrase that i hate to hear the most is “He is not proud of being Malay” How do you be proud of something which is your skin? This is one thing that i have never understand. How do you be proud of your own skin? Are you just that narcissistic about yourself or are you that insecure about yourself?
I wonder why people say:
"I’m proud to be White.I’m proud to be Black.I’m proud to be Chinese.I’m proud to be Indian.I’m proud to be Malay. I’m proud to be whatever the fuck my color is”
Do you want to know what I’m proud of? I’m proud to be human. But i can’t say that lately.
I see someone’s heart before someone’s skin. It annoys me that I’m consistently told what I’m. Why cant i brake away from that mold that you put me in, the one that stops progression where we can be color-blind to other skin tone. So what if I’m Malay? So what if i sun tanned dark-skin. I’m more than just a color. My skin shows what is on the outside but not what is within. What I’m within is a lover, a fighter, a hater, a fan, an athlete and even maybe an artist, in my own delusional world. But more importantly I am human. I feel pain-you cut me I will bleed. I can feel love-you mend me i will heal. I feel the majority of what human beings feel; Lust, Anger, Hate, Greed,Happiness,Joy,Love,Hate,Care, Compassion.
So what if I am Malay? What is so wrong forging yourself through hard trail with whom ever it might be parents, friend or even my head and my heart. Sometimes i wonder if I’m trapped in the wrong body. Maybe i should have been born grey. So it would be easier to be accept and understand why I am different. Easier to accept that i am alienated.Even is i was grey would you still not see I am human, would you see through my skin and see that i have a heart beating in this grey chest. A heart that is no bigger than my clench fist, beating the same beat that every human beings heart beats to. If i were to cut my wrist and to make you see that i bleed the same crimson red blood that flows through this body. Even then seeing that i bleed the same blood as you would you still accept me for who I am, Human
Would it surprise you even more if i told you that I’m a freethinker. Would it surprise you that the closest religious belief I believe in,is not Islam but Christianity.Would you still see me as the same person? Or would you see me as a totally different person as i have commit the biggest omen to the community, which is converting out.
Would you look pass what my skin show and instead see what my heart reflects. If i were to close your eyes and let me describe myself to you, would you not see me but instead of someone else? Would you imagine anyone else instead of me? Sorry if who i forge myself to be does not satisfy your image of me. What do you see? More importantly who do you see? Who do you see standing in front of you.
My left thumb and both my ring finger hurts from rope burn. This constant stinging sensation is starting to annoy me.